Guess Who Made The Team!!

The final Bengal's cuts have been made and just like every well run organization, there are some fantastic young gentlemen on this years 53 man squad. Lets take a look at some of the highlights...

Not turned off by the fact he had the most drops per opportunity in 2009, Dan "brick hands" Coats not only survived cut day but is rumored to be second string fullback behind a player we will highlight later.


Nothing gets me more jacked for the season than the thought of Coats streaking up the middle, bricks dragging along the ground and Carson actually throwing to him. He's my fantasy sleeper to start the flex TE/FB position.

Moving on...apparently the clause in his contract where he couldn't be over 350lbs was worth less than a 6 month supply of cheetos...Andre Smith has avoided cut day as well. Who would want a movie star in Michael Oher as a starting offensive tackle when you can have....

THIS GUY!!!


This blubbery compilation of a picture is saved to my computer with the filename "FAT.jpg". But really, Andre, you look pretty good relatively speaking. That orange Cheeto underboob looks delicious.


In a move that surprised no one, Indian medicine man Adam "don't call me Pac, man" Jones has made the team as the nickel/dollar corner. Its been awfully dry in Cincinnati for the last month, hopefully the showers begin soon.



Mr. Offseason this year, Cedric Benson will assume the position of starting running back once again. Rodger Goodell finally showed some compassion towards the Bengals by not suspending Benson following his "self defense" fight. I think this mugshot was from one of his previous arrests though (semi joke, semi serious):


Another fantastic individual who has turned the corner in his life, Tank Johnson will be in a rotation with Domata Peko, Pat Sims, and Geno Atkins at Defensive Tackle. Tank, shown here, doing his best to live up to his nickname.


And finally, the man that stands in the way of Dan Coats seeing the field, the starting Fullback...


That's right. It's a picture of nobody. Nobody. Eating a pair of twinkies. Because THERE IS NOT ONE F*CKING PERSON STANDING IN THE WAY OF DANIEL COATS BEING ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD.

The Bengals decided not to keep a fullback. But don't you worry, if they would have, I gaurantee he would love eating twinkies. Just like the man they made the highest paid fullback at the time, Jeremy Johnson.

Hey it's alright Bengals fans, it could be worse...




Greg "I loathe Mike Ock Brown" R.

Welcome to the Big Leagues Mr. Chapman!

In case you missed it tonight... well first off what the h*ll are you thinking?... but Aroldis Chapman made his major league debut tonight and was absolutely sick. That is the only way to describe him. Don't believe me? See below.



If you almost wet yourself, no problem, you're not alone. If you're planning what days to take off in October in order to see some playoff games well you're probably not alone there either. As veteran leader Scott Rolen says, lets just take it one day at a time, but how can you not be excited!?!?! 7 game lead? Check! Most exciting player addition? Check! Best player in the National League? Check! Best August record in all of baseball? CHECK!

GO REDS!!!!!

4.5 Games Baby!!!!!!

Unbelievable. Do me a favor.. don't read the last post. This Reds team has a wonderful way about them of making a$$es out of their doubters. While I still think they have their issues there is no way you can't be excited about their recovery from the St. Louis series. For those of you living in a cave they're up 4.5 games in the Central and are on a 7 game winning streak. Meanwhile St. Louis is falling off the cliff and has lost 5 in a row. Of course now that I've written this, the Reds will suck the rest of their road trip, St. Louis will find their bats and we'll be tied by mid next week. Hopefully not though.

Our little team from Cincinnati is starting to get some national publicity as well. Check out the links below:
- ESPN's Buster Olney says that Joey Votto is currently the front runner for NL MVP. I agree.
- Someone named Michael Robinson from somewhere called Donbest highlights the Reds run and how its coming at a great time as they had previously lost 12 straight over 4 seasons in LA.
- Digital Sports Daily takes a quick look into how the Reds are getting it done.
- Curious about what the San Bernardino County Sun thinks about the Reds extension offer to Baker? Of course you are!
- Yahoo's Big League Stew, which is actually pretty well written takes a look at the Reds' willingness to use the suicide squeeze and Cabrera's ability to make the best out of a bad situation on the DL.

Save those for Monday and allow your work productivity to drop.

As for the Baker extension here are my thoughts: He sucks at in game management, but clearly his players love him. Would it be nice if we could have both? Of course, but given the other options that would be willing to come to Cincy, and the job Baker has done this season the extension offer was the correct move, and I hope he accepts. Please don't remind me I said this next time Baker uses Leake to pinch hit over Nix, Janish, Heisey, and Hannigan.

Well that was unfortunate.

So there really is no point in running through all the stats. Basically the Reds were over-matched, out-hustled, out-played, and out-classed over the past three games. We talked the talk, but they did all the walking. Did the Reds learn anything from this absolute beat down? I have no idea. As a fan though, I learned plenty.

The Reds are listening to the hype. And they shouldn't be. Reality check Cincinnati. This team hasn't won sh*t. Not this season. Not last season. Not since 1995. That is 16 years. I like the Cardinals about as much as Prince Fielder likes salad, so I know where you're coming from B Phil. But you don't just go pop off at the mouth at the team that has completely owned you and then not back it up. You wanted to start a fight, and you did. It resulted in a sweep and likely suspension. Well done.

The Reds are not good enough to make the playoffs on talent alone. They don't have the horses at the top of the rotation. They don't have the batting numbers from the corner outfielders, and their closer is shaky at best. The Reds have gotten to where they are by playing solid fundamental hustling baseball. They were tops in the NL in fielding percentage until about a week ago, and also lead the league in going 1st to 3rd on base hits. What did we see in this series? Fielders misplaying balls, both in the air and on the ground... AND THEN JOGGING AFTER THEM!! I'm looking at you Chris Heisey and Ramon Hernandez. Physical mistakes happen, but mental and effort mistakes are inexcusable.

All the additions, subtractions, and moving players up and down has killed the team chemistry. As I sit here writing this I am watching "Rocky Balboa" on FX. This movie is the 6th one in the Rocky series. Remember "Rocky Balboa?" Of course you don't! And if you do I'm sure we can agree it was one step below The Cable Guy. I promise I'm going somewhere with this so just keep up with me... Rocky 1: Classic. Rocky 2: Great sequel. Rocky 3 and 4: Awesomely entertaining dudefests at their very worst. Rocky 5 and 6: Crap on a stick. Why? Because it got watered down. They killed off too many important characters and tried to introduce new "interesting" ones that just didn't stick. We lost Mic, Apollo, and Adrienne, and they tried to replace them with Tommy "The Machine" Gun, Mason "The Line" Dixon, and Little Marie. Give me a break! You're not fooling anyone. Don't fix what isn't broken. Ya see where I'm going yet?

One thing the Reds had going for them all year is that they were a close nit group that believed in one another. I applaud the front office for doing what they can to help us win right now, but it looks like they've done subtraction by addition. Edmonds looked his age this weekend, and if you don't think it affected the psyche of Gomes, Bruce, Nix, Heisey, and Stubbs, you need to watch the games again. We're 115 games into the season and when pressed I couldn't name who our starting outfield is. And I've seen about 100 of the games... that is a problem. There's only 2 hours in a Rocky movie, and there can only be 9 men on a field at once.

A losing culture is almost impossible to shed. Ask Clipper fans. Ask Cubs fans. Ask Browns fans. When a team starts losing the franchise and city almost accept it as an inevitability. Despite how excited the entire city was about this series, most die hard fans would have told you they would have taken 1 out of 3 games and moved on. Sure a lot of that was due to the pitching match ups, but a lot of it was due to the fact that we're used to seeing our teams lose this type of series. Whether its the Bengals losing to a rookie QB on the road in the playoffs.... F*CK!!!!!!!!!!!... I HATE YOU SHANE GRAHAM!!!!!!.... AHHHHHHHHH.... or the Reds taking their playoff leave of absence for 15 years, the fans of Cincinnati have come to expect this sort of thing.

There is still a lot of game left in this team. They have fire, it just was used incorrectly over this series. If they get back to playing smart fundamental baseball they will have better than a puncher's chance (Rocky again. Yes!). Keep beating up on the crapfest that is the rest of the NL Central, and stop worrying about the Cardinals... for now.

Hey the good news is we get the Marlins and Josh Johnson's Cy Young campaign tomorrow.

The Biggest Series in Cincy since 1999

The hated Cards are in Cincy to face the Reds in a series that actually has meaning. That's right Reds fans... its August and our series with the Cardinals has playoff potential. Infact considering the pitching match ups this looks a lot like a playoff series. We kick off here in about a half hour with Carpenter vs. Leake. Garcia goes agasint Cueto, and Wainwright and Arroyo close out the series on Wednesday.

Some other important notes going into the week:
- The Reds traded Chris Dickerson to the Brewers for Jim "Older than most people, but younger than some buildings" Edmonds, who will start in centerfield tonight.
- To open up a roster spot for Edmonds, Travis Wood was optioned back to AAA. STOP! STOP! There is no need to throw your computer at the wall. He will be back up in 10 days and will only miss one start. Everything will be okay. Deep breaths.
- Joseph Votto vs. Albert Poo Holes for best player in the National League. Kick his ass Joe!

Check back throughout the week for series updates, recaps, and such.

Whats the difference between Pujols and a piece of sh*t in a bucket? The bucket.

Go Reds!

Thief in the Reds' Locker Room!!!

Breaking news!!! A white male in his mid twenties broke into the Reds' locker room today before their showdown with the Cubs in Chicago. The suspect is still at large and is being wanted on two accounts of identity theft, one account of trespassing.

It appears the suspect stole Drew Stubbs' jersey, then slipped past team personnel onto the field during today's game. He even managed to record 3 hits including a home run and a double, leading the Reds to a 4-3 victory.

If you have any information on this impostor please keep it to yourself.

The Paul Janish Hype: To Believe or Not To Believe

(The new golden hands.)

Lets play a fun game to get us started... Who is Paul Janish?
A) The drummer for the classic rock band The Who.
B) Testicular cancer survivor and star of upcoming Discovery Channel show "Paul's Balls."
C) Utility infielder for the Cincinnati Reds.

If you guessed A or B give yourself a pat on the back; we can now be friends.

Paul Janish came into this winter looking to be the starting shortstop for the Reds. General Manager Wayne Krivsky decided to sign free agent Orlando Cabrera instead in order to insert some leadership and stability into the lineup. While most agree that Cabrera is past his best years, the risk has more than paid off as he has filled the holes at the top of the lineup and provided solid defense at SS. Still though, as Cabrera started to show his age over the past month or so, more and more fans have been calling for Janish to get a shot. One awkward swing, and veteran to the DL later and Janish has that shot.

This is Janish's 3rd season with the Reds. Last year he played in 90 games, recording 256 at bats, but only posting an average of .211. Reports surfaced in the off season about all of the work he was putting into his offensive game, and the signs of his improvement were there. This season through 40 games and 67 at bats, his average is at .269. which really says something since his chances at the plate are more spaced out than Michael Strahan's front teeth.

Janish's defense has never been questioned, and his remarkable fielding ability and versatility (he can play 2nd, SS and 3rd, is listed as the 3rd catcher, and has even made a pitching appearance) has kept him in the big leagues despite his sub par batting numbers. If he manages to slap a .275 average on those defensive tools the Reds will have their shortstop for the future.

In his first two starts since Orlando went on the DL Janish is 4-7 with 1 HR, and 4 RBIs. So while it's easy to see he is off to a good start lets let him get a couple weeks under his belt before we crown him King of Cincinnati. That title still belongs to Pete Rose. Put Pete in the hall.

It will be interesting to see how Baker manages this situation if Janish is able to post solid offensive numbers. I actually have faith in his player management decisions and think he has done a great job with a lot of sticky situations (not a Pitino joke) this season. Yes, this is the exact opposite of what I would say about his in-game management which is about as good as Michael Scott's.

Regardless Reds fans should feel somewhat relaxed knowing that the backup is more than capable. His insertion (also not a Pitino joke) into the lineup only strengthens the defense and the future appears very bright. Just remember to keep things in perspective and know that he will cool off. He's not Barry Larkin.... yet.

B "My friend Matt is friends with Janish so that makes me cool." Reinhart

Guess Who's Back!?!?!?

Welcome back Cintuckians! After a much needed month-long hiatus the Cintucky Zone is back in action!

The dog days of summer have their ways of getting to anyone and we here were no different and needed a nice long break. So lets bring you up to speed shall we:

The Bengals are in training camp, have signed TO (more on this later), and have a quiet confidence coming from their camp unlike anything seen in the past. Rookie TE Gresham is finally practicing and will look to fill the Karen Sypheresque gaping hole at tight end. Cedric Benson has stopped assaulting people in night clubs to prepare for another insane workload, and Palmer appears to have the weapons he needs to get back to a Pro Bowl Level. It should be pointed out that our projected starting WR's both have VH1 reality shows. You can't make this sh*t up.

TO. TO. TO. Please check back in a couple days for my complete thoughts on the "OchoUno" signing.

Pitinogate is in progress and it has provided more highlights than LeBron (minus The Decision of course). Things we've learned: Sypher is fond of "oral pleasures" and has "blown" more "men" than Coco Cordero has saves. Sticky Ricky "shoots" half way through the shot clock. The man himself testified the encounter lasted about 15 seconds. Perjury be damned... lie son. What will come of all this? Sypher will probably go to jail and all Louisville fans will lose any argument ever for at least 5 years. Sorry guys, its the rules.

Now lets get to what's really important. The Cincinnati Reds, after what feels like 11 years (oh wait.. it actually was 11 years? Huh.) are back in the playoff race! Shooting for their first playoff appearance since 1995, the Reds are boosting a young aggressive rotation, an MVP contending first baseman, and the best bullpen in the NL since the All-Star break. In honor of this once a decade occurrence, we will be providing game recaps, coaching opinions, and everything else related to the Reds from here on out. And really who could better provide this information than a couple engineers that weren't even good enough to play in high school?

So be sure to check back early and often as we prepare for the start of the Bengals season and ride the Reds wave into the fall.

Go Cintucky!

B "feels good to be back" Reinhart

A Letter to Bob Castellini

Dear Mr. Castellini,

On behalf of all Reds' fans job well done so far this season. The veteran signings have paid off HUGE (Rollen, Cabrera), and the young guys we brought up through our system in the past few years are absolutely crushing it (Votto, Bruce, Gomes).

The pitching staff.. while excellent at times, has been way too inconsistent for the Reds to stay in this. The Reds' team ERA is 4.42. Just for comparison sake the Cardinals' is 3.24. I don't care how good the Reds offense is or how good they are pulling out close games, at the end of 162 games that is just too much to make up.

So this is every Reds fan begging you... Please Mr. Castellini go out and sign a free agent pitcher. Lee and Oswalt would be unlike anything the Reds have done since they brought Griffey over. This team needs it. We are one of the only teams in contention right now that don't have that surefire "ace." Take a look at it: Yankees (Sabathia, Pettitte); Red Sox (Bucholz); Rays (Price); Twins (Pavano); Tigers (Verlander); Atlanta (Hudson); Cardinals (Carpenter *cough* tool *cough*); Padres (Clayton Richard); Dodgers (Kershaw). The closest thing the Reds have is Arroyo and Cueto and as good as they have been they just aren't on that level.... yet for Cueto, he will be in 1 more year or possibly the 2nd half of this season. He's close. Leake has been stellar, but he's still a rookie so the second half will most likely be a lot harder on him than the first.

With all that in mind, you have to recognize that if you really want this team to make the playoffs you'll go and make a Godfather offer to Oswalt or Lee. Just do whatever it takes to get them. I know we're a small market team, but if this team contends and makes the playoffs it will be unlike anything the city of Cincinnati has seen in 10 years. Cincinnati is a baseball city, and the people are just dying for a team to cheer for. The fans will pack the stadium, merchandise will fly off the shelves and the Reds will become the "it" team of the MLB much like the Rays were a couple years ago. Even if looking at signing a big name picture purely from a business standpoint, all of that has to make it a consideration. Throw in the need for this city to have a winner, and there is just no way you can't go and get us a superstar. Right? Good. I'm glad you agree.

Sincerely,

Reds Fans

Brian"OswaltPlease!" Reinhart

Amazing Video

Okay so this is definitely a Cintucky first. A tennis post followed by a soccer post, but I came across this video and found it too amazing not to share.

Its a compilation of reactions around the US to Landon Donovan's goal to advance the US out of pool play. There is one from Convington, KY which is pretty cool. Although I was mad it didn't say Cintucky we'll let it slide.

I'm pretty sure you could put the Rudy theme song to a train wreck and it would still get me worked up, but still. If this video doesn't give you chills you need to see a doctor.



Oh also I am at a wedding today and will be unable to follow the game, so if someone can text me and volunteer to send updates throughout the day, I will not only love you but you will also get a shoutout on the blog which is read by literally tens of people.

Brian "Still don't know how to cheer for soccer." Reinhart

Tennis? Yes, Just Read

Something remarkable has been happening for over an entire day now in the world of tennis. That's right, tennis. The sport doesn't get much face time on this blog. Maybe it would if there were any good American players. Or if it was discovered that an American player had slept with hundreds of women includes porn stars, prostitutes and men (allegedly). However, when a tennis match in Wimbledon is tied at 59-59 in the 5th set and has been suspended TWICE for darkness, now that is something to write about.

American John Isner and Frenchman Nicolas Mahut are in fact tied at 59-59 in the 5th set of their first round Wimbledon match. The match has lasted over 10 hours. Isner has a new record 98 aces and Mahut has 96 aces. The match will continue tomorrow and who knows how much longer.

To try to put that into perspective, let's compare it to a baseball game, since baseball is one of the only sports that can go on as long as necessary. There are 9 innings in baseball. In a typical tennis match there is about 45 games (typical is 4 sets ~11 total games per set). So far there has been 163 games in the match. That's 3.6 times the length of a typical tennis match. Which would be equivalent to a 32 inning baseball game! If you're wondering, the longest baseball game ever played was 26 innings in 1920 between the Brooklyn Dodgers and Boston Braves which ironically was called a tie due to darkness since they didn't have lights then.

The match will resume at 10:30am EST tomorrow.

Greg "dudes must be in shape" R.

The State of the Reds

A couple thoughts on the weekend as we watched the Reds stumble back to their rightful place in the world of mediocrity:
- Getting swept by the Mariners is a joke. I don't care who they had pitching, or that it was on the West Coast, or any other excuses people want to throw around, it is just plain pathetic.

- 1 run in 2 games, and two 1-0 losses was a long time coming. The Reds had been able to "magically" eek out all these 1-run games, but the problem is eventually that magic runs out, the law of averages evens out and math beats magic every time. I don't even know what that last sentence meant. Who cares though? The Reds don't try; why should I?

- The Reds are now 7-13 in their last 20 games. Against a relatively easy schedule.

- Somehow they are still only 1.5 games behind the Cardinals and if they can manage to straighten things out quickly they can still contend. Luckily we have a great coach who will certainly figure that out and a front office that will spend the necessary money to get us help where we need it by paying for star players in their primes... oh wait..

Brian "I shouldn't be this salty at 24.. thank you Cincinnati" Reinhart

Where the Reds At?

The Reds often times make it hard for me to stick up for them. For example, losing 4 out of their last 7 at home and losing the series to a horrid Royals team. Or pretty much anytime a bullpen pitcher is brought into the game not named Arthur. Or when Drew Stubbs manages to strike out 5 times in 4 plate appearances. Or the fact that they should be at least 4 games up on the Cardinals instead of 1 as of June 14th. However, the fact that it looks like no Reds players will get voted into the All Star game is a tragedy. It will make it hard for a manager to pick 5 Reds that should have made the team when none got voted in by the public.

Currently, there are FOUR Reds players in the top 15 in National League batting average. Rolen at .313, Phillips at .311, Votto at .306, and Jonny Gomes at .301. Rolen is tied for 3rd in homeruns at 14, Votto is tied for 8th at 13; Gomes (47), Rolen (45), and Votto (41) are all in the top 14 in RBIs. Need I go on? Currently in the NL All-Star voting, Joey Votto is 4th among first basemen, Brandon Phillips is 5th among 2nd basemen, Scott Rolen ISN'T EVEN IN THE TOP 5 IN 3rd BASEMEN, and Jonny Gomes ISN'T EVEN IN THE TOP 15 IN OUTFIELDERS. That is completely baffling to me.



Oh and if you want to talk defense? Jonny Gomes doesn't have an error (although that raises my eyebrow since I can remember a couple balls he's misplayed...), Phillips is 2nd in fielding percentage among 2nd basemen, Rolen is 3rd among 3rd basemen, and Votto is 5th among first basemen.

I think I have made a pretty solid case here. So how bout it. You can vote up to 25 times per email address. Check it out here and vote for the Reds!!


Greg "It's almost football season...stay tuned for Bengals articles" R.

Hitler on the Reds

I have no idea where these videos came from, and may be a year late on them, but they are absolutely hilarious.

3:08 mark is my favorite part:


Hitler's thoughts on Arroyo.. LOL @ 1:04


Brian "this should hold you over until the USA vs. England match" Reinhart

Sports Are Exciting!

The dog days of summer have officially started. I know the NBA finals are happening which will provide some distraction, but for the most part, the sports scene is in its summer long hibernation. With not nearly enough sports to watch, what do people do? Talk, argue, and then talk some more. Below are some of the top “storylines” that have kept us entertained and hopefully can stay hot into the summer.

The Reds are in a battle with St. Louis for the NL Central.
If you haven’t been paying attention yet, now would be about the time to get on the bandwagon. The Cincinnati Reds are currently tied with St. Louis for 1st place in the NL Central. The Brewers and the Cubs clearly have too many issues to put together a run, and the Astros and the Pirates are just awful. That leaves only the Reds to try and dethrone the hated Cards.
It’ll be interesting to see as the summer goes on what the Reds try to do in terms of free-agency. There are going to be several marquee pitchers available, and I think I speak for every Reds fan when I say if they can somehow convince Oswalt to come to Cincy they need to do whatever it takes to reel him in. I’m thinking Harang, our top 2 prospects, a life time supply of sunflower seeds, and an autographed picture of Chad Ochocinco to the Astros for Oswalt.

Okay so it would appear I was wrong about the Reds completely collapsing after the blow up in Atlanta. This team has more heart than teams in the past, and it appears that they are willing to fight for every win regardless of how much Dusty Baker tries to sabotage them.

Eric Bledsoe cheated to become eligible. Calipari knew about it. UK will forfeit all of their wins. Calipari will leave UK for the NBA. Fans will riot in the streets.
……… or everyone could just relax and realize that the NCAA isn’t even investigating the Bledsoe situation. The NY Times reporter who “broke” the “story” will eventually have to get on with his life and stop creepily obsessing over a 19 year old. And as for Cal, ignoring the fact that no NBA team has even said they want him, he said he’s not going anywhere. Works for me.

Team USA has a legit chance to make it out of their pool in the World Cup.
With kickoff? (sorry I don’t know soccer terminology but we can all agree its not called first pitch, or jump ball) set for 1:30 this Saturday, the USA will start its quest toward soccer mediocrity against England. Sure, we’re underdogs, but if we could beat them in 1776, and we can do it again. Rather than exchange jerseys like in past World Cups, after the game the US team will be hanging out toothbrushes, and dental floss.

Its been almost two months since Ben Roethlisberger has sexually harassed anyone in a nightclub bathroom.
Baby steps.

Brian “how much longer until football season?” Reinhart

Bud Selig, Defiant.

Everyone else is praising Bud Selig for making the right decision and not overturning the horrid call by umpire Jim Joyce that cost Detroit's Armando Gallaraga a perfect game. I have a little different opinion on the situation.

Bud Selig is a complete idiot. He responds to the situation by issuing a statement saying "due to this and other recent events we will look into expanding the replay system".

Analogy: If there is a house burning down do you wait for someone to die before you start putting the fire out? NO. Why? Because its common sense, its something that is easy to foresee, and you have the means and capability to do so! It's not the old days anymore where you have to call in the fire brigrade and throw buckets of water on the fire. Every other city around is using fire trucks! Get with the program Selig.

Everyone knew that someday there would be a blown call that costs a team a game in the post season, and there would be "nothing we can do about it because the rules are the rules." Bud Selig put out the fire. Do what the other professional sports have done and institute a replay system. The players are for it, the fans are for it, and the umpires are for it.

You're an idiot for taking this long. You're an idiot for actually waiting for something like this to happen to "think" about installing a replay system.

Luckily the situation ended up being a very classy one, with both Jim Joyce and Armando Gallaraga treating the issue with pure professionalism. Let's hope Selig doesn't see this positive ending and think that nothing needs changing.

Greg "Put Pete in the hall!" R.

Griffey Jr Awakes From Nap to Announce Retirement

One of the all-time baseball greats has announced his retirement. Cincinnati native Ken Griffey Jr called it quits today, ending an illustrious 22 year career. He will be a first ballot hall-of-famer and was already voted to the All-Century team earlier in his career.

Maybe most importantly, Griffey will be remembered not for what he did, but for what he did not do. In an era where the greatest players took performance enhancing drugs, Griffey has never even been accused of using PEDs. One could argue that players who used steroids did so to try to keep up with the numbers Junior was putting up. Griffey's statistical career followed the bell curve that one would assume is the natural progression of a player not on steroids.

Griffey spent 13 seasons playing for the Seattle Mariners (1989-1999; 2009-2010) sandwiching 8 years spent in Cincinnati and a half year with the White Sox.

I remember when it was announced Griffey was coming to Cincinnati. I remember the exact moment. I was in English class in highschool. It came after the season they kind of almost sort of made the playoffs in '99. Without a doubt, the Reds would be in the World Series the following year. I, like many boys my age, grew up idolizing Jr. His 1989 Donruss Rated Rookie Baseball Card was more valuable to me than my '95 Hustler magazine and a month's worth of soda and candy bars from Ameristop. I even remember the first time I bought a pack of baseball cards and got a Ken Griffey Jr. card. It wasn't even a solo card of Jr. It was one of those Topps cards where it had two players on it. I forget who the other player was, probably because I never looked an inch left. I was so happy. So you can imagine my excitement when I found out the Reds were getting what would soon be The Greatest Player of All Time. Junior would break Hank Aaron's all-time home-run record in Cincinnati and choose to enter the Hall of Fame in his hometown uniform.

Ah, the dream that never came to be.

Quickly comparing some of Griffey's average stats per year during his first stint as a Mariner and his time in Cincinnati:

Seattle: .297 avg, 36 HR's, 105 RBI's, 140 games played
Cincinnati: .265 avg, 19 HR's, 60 RBI's, 95 games played

I'm not going to bash on Griffey right now, but needless to say, he was not the savior Cincinnati hoped he would be. Maybe it's because he wasn't taking steroids and couldn't keep his numbers up. Or maybe it was because he refused to lift a weight and work out off the field and his body just gave up on being young. Or maybe it's because he made a terrible decision in coming to a cursed sports town. A part of me feels sorry for Junior, and a part of me feels hatred for him.


Regardless, Griffey, in his prime is one of the top 5 players that has ever played the game. A 13 time all-star, 10 gold gloves, 1997 AL MVP, and 4th in all time home runs with 630 (4th because I throw out Barry Bonds).

It was a pleasure growing up watching him play and Major League Baseball definitely deserves to honor a player who has stayed clean and steered clear of MLB's black eye.



Greg "I'm digging up all my old Griffey cards to admire them again" R.

Reds Game Live Blog.. type thing

Much like we did for some of the Bengals games, tonight starting at 7:10 we will be following the Reds vs. Pirates game tonight with inning by inning updates. So if you are bored, and/or are watching the Reds game tonight stop in an follow along.

Here is a picture of the always popular Erin Andrews Ass to hold you over until then....
We are five minutes or so from the first pitch. The starting pitcher for the Pirates is Paul Maholm who is 3-4 with a 4.5 ERA. So not impressive. The Reds are starting UNDEFEATED Mike Leake. I think its about time for us to give Leake a nickname. We'll get back to that later though.... be back in an inning.

Inning 1: Some Pirate got a hit but no one cares, no harm done. 11 pitch inning for Leake. In the Reds' half of the inning Votto laced a double which got me thinking about something. ESPN sportswriter and my personal hero Bill Simmons has a theory, inspired by Joey Harrington, that a player can't possibly be respected with the name Joey. It makes sense. Think about it... everyone named Joey you know is either a screw up or at the very least kinda goofy. Meanwhile Joe Frazier, Joe Theisman, Joe Morgan, Joe Namath... all great athletes. All great Americans. So from now on we call him Joe Votto. Or if you must, Joseph. Rolen grounded out 0-0 after one.

Inning 2: A couple double plays make this a rather uninteresting inning. Both pitchers look "groovy."

Inning 3: Cedeno gets a hit which makes number 8 hitters 2-16 against Leake on the season. Thank you for that random stat Mr. Chris Welch. Another double play for the Reds and the Pirates have 3 hits and nothing to show thus far.

Janish starts the bottom of the 3rd with a hit. The 2nd of his career. Okay not really but man he's weak at the plate. Reds strand him at 2nd. 3 innings down, 0-0 still.

Inning 4: Welp Gomes got a 2 out double but they couldn't get him in. I'm glad they decide to play the most boring 4 innings of baseball I've seen this year when I decide to do a running diary. Just to make sure you're awake......... sorry, I couldn't find any hot girls wearing Reds gear. Some nice Marge Schott stuff though.

Inning 5: A Pirate runner almost got to 2nd base!!! And who says baseball is boring. Our pitcher got a hit... nothing else. This is physically painful. On a brighter note since I have nothing to write about I spent the inning searching and look what I found....
.... pretty sure I've posted this pic in another blog, but I don't care.

Inning 6: The first 5 innings took place in less than 1 hour and 10 minutes. At this rate this could possibly be a 2 hour game, which will give me way too much free time. Somebody. Do. Something.

Chris Welch has absolutely no idea what the Pythagorean Theorem is. Here's a hint buddy: It has nothing to do with run differential compared to win/loss record. It actually is about triangles... which, in case you were wondering, the baseball field is not.

The Pirates get a couple more hits, but strand 2. Shocking. Joe Votto got picked off first base. There's something ya don't see everyday, but if I'm not mistaking that's at least the 2nd time Votto has been picked off this season. Rolen lines out to end the inning and the score is STILL 0-0.

Inning 7: Lastings Milledge (how could any sane person honestly think Lastings is a good name for a child) just swung at a pitch that, I swear, bounced in the grass before the plate. He would then lace a line to left for a hit only to get thrown out trying to steal a second.

The Reds finally have a runner in scoring position with a Ramon Hernandez double. I still don't think Hernandez should play as much as he does, but I'll admit he doesn't completely suck. Hannigan is still batting almost 60 points higher, but unfortunately does not speak Spanish which hurts when Cueto starts. I'm guessing the new call up Enerio Del Rosario would prefer a Spanish speaking battery mate as well. Regardless I think Hannigan should be starting 2 of every 3 games and as I write this Hernandez has 15 more at-bats than Hannigan. This will be interesting to watch as the season progresses. After a Janish walk, Dusty curiously leaves Leake in to bat? Who pops out ending the inning. Very questionable move there. 0-0 as we head to the 8th.

Inning 8: Unreal. Routine fly to center, and Stubbs can't find the ball which ends up landing about 20 feet behind him. Iwamura ends up on 3rd. Next batter ropes a double up the first base line bringing him in. That's just plain dumb luck. Leake gets pulled after 8 and 1/3 solid innings. Another impressive showing by the rookie. Lets just hope the Reds can get the sticks going in the bottom of the inning and keep him undefeated. Aurthur Rhodes and his 0.49 (not a typo) ERA are on to relieve. WOWZA!! After a strike out by Rhodes, Hernandez snaps off Walker who strayed a little bit too far from second.

Bruce pitch hit for Heisey and dribbles the first pitch back to the mound. SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT DUSTY. YOU PITCH HIT FOR A GUY YOU FELT COMFORTABLE IN THE LEAD OFF SPOT AND HAD ALREADY SEEN THE PITCHER TWICE WITH BRUCE, ONE OF OUR COLDEST BATTERS WHO HAD BEEN SITTING ON THE BENCH ALL GAME!?!?!?! MY GOD I HATE YOU.

PHILLIPS HOMER!!!! ABSOLUTE BOMB TO LEFT CENTER! Okay Baker, you're lucky that Phillips distracted everyone from yet another horrendous coaching decision. On a happy note though, it's tied up 1-1 and Mike Leake will get a no decision. Votto and Rolen strike out, but FINALLY something has happened. End of 8. Pirates 1, Reds 1.

Top of 9: After getting the first batter, Baker replaces Rhodes (in a 1-1 game) with Nick "son of a b*tch" Masset. Text from Greg: "Oh God." That sums it up nicely. Rolen makes another difficult play look routine. Every time he does this it makes me hate Edwin Encarnacion more and more. Masset gives up a homerun on a fastball straight down the middle. Awesome. The worst part is I'm not even surprsied. How many times is Dusty going to overmanage this team before something changes. It is absolutely unbelieveable how bad of an in game manager he is. Once again, Masset should be shot... that is quickly becoming the new Cintucky slogan.

Bottom of 9: Jonny Gomes starts off the inning with a strike out. Hernandez gets things started with a hit to left field. Lance Nix pitch hits for Drew Stubbs. Now this one makes sense. You put in a guy who has been crushing the ball for a weak hitter (who was batting 7th). It should also be noted that Nix homered in 3 straight starts, then hasn't started since (thank you for actually useful information Welch). Nix bloops out to 2nd. Cabrera, pitch hitting for Janish pops out to the catcher to end the game.


RECAP: What did we learn? Dusty sucks. Masset also sucks. The bats were cold. Shit Masset gets his 3rd loss on the season and his 2nd in his last 4 appearances. Final Score: Pirates 2, Reds 1.


Brian "now lets hope the Padres can take care of the hated Cards" Reinhart

Good to see the Reds we know and love are back....

So there I was at work grinding away like usual. I had heard the Reds put up 8 runs in the second inning after a God, ahem, Joey Votto grand slam, and were heading into the bottom of the 9th with a 9-3 lead. Normally for day games I will periodically check the score and try to follow most of the 9th inning from my desk, but today I was pretty busy, and thought “Hey it’s a 6 run lead… this ones in the bag. I’ll get some work done and just read the recap later.” Well you can then imagine my surprise about a half hour later when I get a text from my friend Volz reading “no ducking way.” Clearly Volz has not quite figured out predictive text, but we’ll deal with that at another time. An email from Greg shortly followed: “walk off grand slam, game over.”

At first I just assumed they were ducking with me because I mean come on.. not even the Reds could blow a 6 run lead in the 9th, but some quick research as well as a couple other angry emails/texts from friends would indeed confirm that the Reds had lost. They went into the 9th with the win in hand, and gave it up faster than Audrina at the site of a motorcycle.

To make matters worse the hated Cardinals beat the Marlins today to take over first place in the NL Central Division, or what is quickly becoming known as the St. Louis Invitational. Sure it may only be one game, and all this worrying is simply an over-reaction. I’m sure that’s how outside people or non-diehards feel about today’s game, but real Reds fans… we know. We’ve been here before, seen this 1,000 times, and will be shocked if anything but the expected lies ahead. What is the expected? About a 5-15 slide that puts us about 5 games back, causing Dusty to over-manage killing the confidence of all his young players, wearing out his veterans, and positioning us for a second half slide that leaves us below .500 and in 3rd or 4th place in the division yet again. I know I sound like Chicken Little, but we Reds fans just know when the sky is falling.

If you want to know why we lost today it was two main reasons: 4 errors (games like these happen and generally speaking the Reds have been outstanding defensively this season so we can let this slide) and poor coaching. I’ll elaborate on the 2nd one. First off you should never pitch Lincoln and Massett back to back. They are our most up and down relievers and if both are having an off night it will add up to a big inning for the opposition. You have to mix these high variance guys in with the more steady performers like Rhodes and Coco so that the inning doesn’t completely blow up in your face before you even realize what happens. Also if you are going to make a substitution, do it for the right reasons. Going into a defensive inning you do not take out Stubbs and leave Nix in the game. That is just flat out poor managing!

Hopefully this team can prove me wrong. They’ve never said die all season and are still only a half game out of first place. Unfortunately for most Reds’ fans we’ve seen this act and we know how it ends. Pretty ducking miserably.

Brian “Ugh” Reinhart

All We Can Talk About is Reds!!

Two things:

I heard the Reds are something like 45-22 since they signed Scott Rolen last year. Rolen is one of the reasons why this team is different than the pretenders of the mid 2000's with Griffey and Dunn. Another reason? Griffey and Dunn are gone. According to this article on SI.com, Griffey and Dunn were notorious for lounging around before games on the couch paging through magazines. The younger guys, including Jay Bruce would follow suit. Now a days? Exert from story:

"The couch is still in the Reds' digs. Nobody uses it before games. "There's no entitlement in that clubhouse now,'' Castellini said."

The Reds lead the majors in going first to third on a hit. Do you think Griffey and Dunn teams would have that type of hustle? Don't think so.

Lastly, I found a video of the saxophone player from Saturday night's Civil Rights game. BK Jackson performing America the Beautiful:

1st Place!?!? Feels...

.... oddly unsettling.

I better get this post up quickly because you never know how long it will last, but after back to back wins over the hated Cardinals your Cincinnati Reds find themselves atop the NL Central for the first time in... well I'm not going to take the time to look it up, but it's been f*cking forever. What I can tell you is that this is the latest in the season the Reds have led the division since 2006. Wow.

That's a long time. A lot of stuff has happened since then.

Like what exactly? Well I'm glad you asked.

Since the last time the Reds led the division this late in a season:
- The IPhone is released and makes rich college kids feel extra cool.
- Dexter premiers on Showtime and becomes the best show on TV.
- Rachael Ray becomes a household name and a leading candidate for the "Would you.." game between guys. Yes, I would.
- Monday Night Football moves to ESPN.
- The Dark Knight and Pirates of the Caribbean movies make more money than 20% of the countries in the world.
- Kevin Garnett finally wins an NBA title (before he became the role player he is today).
- The Departed wins an Academy Award for Best Movie Ever.
- Mel Gibson is arrested for DUI. To improve his image after this embarrassment he blasts Jewish people, goes insane, tries to come back, fails.
- Chris Hanson catches predators and develops an uncanny ability to get people to "have a seat right there."
- The Nintendo Wii is released. Idiots launch controllers into TV's. The Nintendo Wii Controller Wrist Safety Strap is released.
- MLB produces the Mitchell Report naming all players that have used or are using steroids.
- The United States suffers through its worst economic recession since the Great Depression.
- Hollywood writers go on strike producing more reality TV including 10 seasons of Survivor, 5 Real World/Road Rules challenges, 1 Howie Mandell, and 7 guido's STDing it up in Jersey.
- UK basketball fires Tubby Smith, hires Billy Clyde, fires Billy Clyde, hires John Calipari.
- Tiger Woods becomes #1 on the "Men Women Hate the Most" chart.
- Michael Jackson moonwalks one last time.
- The Hills on MTV becomes insanely popular sends Lauren Conrad straight into the bedrooms of horny teens everywhere.
- Twilight makes vampires seem cool. They really aren't though.
- Kanye West makes Taylor Swift cry.
- The United States of America elects its first African American president, Barack Obama.


Needless to say, us Reds fans have waited awhile to be relevant again.

Brian "oh and 'Megan Fox' became the number 1 google 2 years in a row" Reinhart

What A GAME!!!!!

Well I might have to pause writing this when the cops show up from the scream I let out as the Cardinals were thrown out at the plate trying to tie the game in the top of the 9th. What a game! And what a game to represent the civil rights game. Absolutely humongous come back game for the Reds. The guys should be congratulated, all but Coco Cordero who should be strapped to the wall by his jock strap while Jonny Gomes hits off a tee towards him.

(As a side note to how much Jim Day sucks, during the postgame he just said "there are tons of fans still here cheering and they are going crazy!!" Little did he realize that the camara had a good portion of the stands in his background and there was not a fan to be seen.)

Ramon Hernandez had an absolutely huge night with 2 hits, a walk, an RBI and the fabulous play at the plate to make the final out. Drew Stubbs also had a timely hit with a 2 run triple to put the Reds up 4-2. Arthur Rhodes came in and went 1,2,3 in the 7th. Nick Massett came on in the 8th and got the heart of the order 1, 2, 3 making Pujols look like a school girl on a strike 3 looking.

The win goes to Mike "10 year veteran rookie" Leake who improves to 4-0 and allowed 2 earned runs over 6 innings tonight. The game was a mirror image of last nights game. With the stellar rookie holding the opposing team to 2 runs. Luckily, this night belonged to the Reds.

This win has to be a huge confidence builder to the Reds who came into this game 2-5 on the year vs the Cardinals. They know the division runs straight through the Cardinals and at some point they will have to get over the mental hurdle of beating the Cards. Tonight was a big step in the right direction.

A big "u suck" goes out to ESPN for not covering this game on TV and for making no mention of it on espn.com the entire day or even after the game. I would think this would be the most recognized game of the year for MLB and for espn to make no mention of it is a shame.

One of the highlights of the night for me was saxophone player BK Jackson playing America the Beautiful. It had to bring a chill to everyone in the stadium. I will keep an eye out for it on youtube and post it if it appears.

Great night for the Reds and great night for the country. Rubber match tomorrow!!


Greg "I love the Reds" R.

REDSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I think it's safe to safe this is the biggest series for the Reds [in May] in quite a long time. They find them selves 1/2 game out of first place having won 12 of their last 16 and play a slumping Cardinals team who has lost 7 of their last 9. I hope everyone remembers the series last year, in July I think, where the Reds were right in the thick of it. Pujols hits a grand slam off of Stormy Weathers and the Reds never recovered. It would be nice to return the favor this year.

The Cardinals have not hit a homerun in 7 games. I'm sure that will be something the Reds will take care of ending. Let's just hope for anything but a sweep here. A sweep at this point, when they've fought to get to a 1/2 game back, would devastate them. To end this series 3.5 back would be a huge blow to the Reds mentally, fan attendance, and fan expectations. 2 out of 3 would be nice.

The matchups for the weekend series are:

Friday: Harang (2-4, 6.02 era) vs Garcia (3-2, 1.18 era)
Saturday: Leake (3-0, 3.10 era) vs Wainwright (5-1, 2.08 era)
Sunday: Arroyo (2-2, 5.36 era) vs Penny (3-3, 1.70 era)

Good lord just looking at those Cardinals era's is a bit mystifying. How the hell do they have 3 guys with a max era of 2.08 and Carpenter is not even included? Oh that's right because they spend $100 million per year. All you Cardinals fans who claim to be "small market" can just shut the hell up. Morons.

Obviously the key matchup for the weekend is Saturday, which also is the MLB Civil Rights game, awarded to Cincinnati for the 2nd straight year.

Let's hope the bats keep hitting and the pitchers get hypnotized into thinking they are playing the Pirates. Oh and that they imagine this picture when facing Poo-holes:



Go Reds!

Greg "I'll be there Sunday" R.

Bengals Serve as Halfway House for NFL

It takes a lot for me to be embarrassed reading a sports article. Usually when I do get embarrassed, I am embarrassed for another person. For example, when I heard Tiger's voice on the voicemail he left ti-girl #1, I was embarrassed for him. Or I get the occasional embarrassment of a Red's or Bengals shutout, which fades by the next game. But when I read this article on ESPN.com, I was legitimately embarrassed to call myself a Bengals fan.

The Bengals serve as a Halfway House for the NFL. Contrary to first impressions, this is NOT a good thing.

The quote that struck me, by Safety Chris Crocker, "In the past, we were like the Betty Ford clinic and just rehabbing guys. When you have your back up against the wall, you really have to [say] hey, this is your last stop. You're not going to get many more opportunities, if any."

You're not going to get any more opportunities after the Bengals. You know what I hear if I am your everyday NFL thug? I hear, "You can go out and f*ck off and get arrested, shoot people, get DUI's, beat women, sell drugs, etc. etc MULTIPLE times, and as long as I take about a year off and act remorseful, I will still be given another shot by an NFL team (the Bengals)."

I've worked for one employer my professional life, so I don't know how it works at other company's, but at mine you get one, MAYBE two chances depending on the severity of a crime. And once you get fired, you've got a fat chance in hell of finding an equivalent job anywhere. You'll be flipping burgers in no time.

The Bengals being the Redeem Team are NOT helping the NFL clean up it's act. They might be keeping Pacman Jones, Matt Jones, and many more off the streets for the time being, but in the end those men can't play football forever. It's up to them to make the conscious choice to be contributors to society, instead of another prison statistic. In the meantime, the Bengals are hurting a league with a commissioner who is trying desperately to make the NFL and it's players a better role model for children.



Greg

Pacman Jones Top 6

Bengals fans have sorely disappointed me since it was announced Adam "Pacman" Jones would be the newest member of Mike Brown's Redeem Team. I figured the over-whelming majority would come out strongly against the signing. But the more I listened to talk show hosts discuss the topic and the more I read local sports columns, the more surprised I was at how, how.. I'm looking for the right word, it's not "accepting"...how un-negative people seem to be. From people saying they will no longer be calling him "Pacman" now that he is on the Bengals, to people saying "he can't do that much harm, lets see what he's got" it's been quite amazing to me. Lest we forget he was involved in a Las Vegas shooting that left 3 people injured and 1 paralyzed for life. In fact, he has been arrested 6 times and involved in 12 incidents where the police have been called.

The Bengals themselves are saying that if he gets out of line they will just cut him and not be out much money at all. Pretty sad when you have to justify a signing before it even happens. All this for a team that really doesn't need a cornerback.

There have been many many many mystifying Mike Brown moves over his failed tenure as Bengals owner that have left me angry and vowing that "one more move like this and I swear I'll quit being a Bengals fan." This latest act is by far the closest to the cliff that I have been pushed. How can we root for a guy like that? If he does get an interception at some point for the Bengals, am I supposed to be happy about that? I would compare what is going with me and the Bengals to someone in a bad relationship. The resentment just keeps building and building over the years, one person has all the power and does absolutely nothing to show that they actually respect you being alive. This is how the Bengals have treated their fans even since Paul Brown passed.

If you want to get a snapshot into a famous human being's life, all you have to do is google them right? So, to celebrate the Bengals bringing in another criminal, and in honor of him being arrested 6 times, I give you the top 6 photos I found while looking for Pacman Jones on the internet.

6) Of course, gotta start with the class mugshot. Nothing says, "contributor to society" like this mugshot.







5) Classic thug with a cross. I'm sure he is a regular attender of Sunday Mass. You know, asking for the Herp to pass over him from the previous week's hoebanging.









4) Did you know while Pacman was suspended for the year from the NFL (you know for being a horrible human being), he got a gig as a pro wrestler? Only he wasn't allowed to actually "wrestle" due to details in his Titans contract. His wrestling partner's name was Ron "The Truth" Killings. Interesting.











3) Anytime you google someone's name and Don Imus pops up, it can't be good.









2) Not really sure how the anatomy works here, but probably just another Tuesday at 3 oclock session for Pacman.









And finally, the picture we've all been waiting for...
1) Pacman, in the act, of... "MAKIN IT RAIN".









Ladies and Gentleman, lets give a warm round of applause to the newest member of the Cincinnati Bengals Redeem Team...


Greg "just shoot me" R.

What's In Store for Samardo Samuels??

(Impressive!)

The deadline for college basketball players to withdraw their names from the NBA draft is this Saturday. With this in mind it looks like UK will officially say goodbye to Wall, Cousins, Patterson, Orton, and Bledsoe. While there is no shocker there – all 5 were expected to leave and will be drafted in the first round – there was a very unexpected surprise down the road with the announcement that U of L Center (impersonator) Samardo Samuels will remain in the NBA draft, foregoing his last two seasons of eligibility with the Cards.

The news was first broken a few weeks ago by a Jamaican newspaper, but was given little credibility most likely due to its nearly unreadable grammar. It is official now, and any hope Cards fans had of him returning were whipped clean when Pitino gave his last scholarship (the one for SamSam) to Kentucky native Elisha Justice. As for Samuels, whose needs for improvement category officially lists “decision making skills,” his status is listed as late second round to undrafted. With that in mind, I thought it would be fun to look into the Cintucky crystal ball and predict what the future holds for the FORMER #1 HIGH SCHOOL PLAYER IN THE NATION.

June 24, 2010 – Samardo Samuels gets drafted in the 2nd round with the last overall pick by the NBA Champion Cleveland Cavaliers.

June 25, 2010 – Samuels starts researching where the Cavs D-League team plays.

October 28, 2010 – The ’10 – ’11 NBA season kicks off with Samuels not on a roster and making less money in the D-League than he did playing for Pitino. Fans are, however, excited at the Samuels vs. Thabeet rematch that pits former Big East foes as well as largest college bust vs. largest NBA bust. Samuels wins the matchup with 6 points, 1 rebound, and 5 fouls. The guys meet Tyler Hansbrough for dinner after the game.

June 2, 2011 – Samuels leaves the NBA D-League and his $12,000 per season salary behind (seriously, I looked it up. Isn’t it nice to know that you make more than Joe Crawford right now?) to play in the Argentina Pro League.

June 4, 2011 – After realizing that people in Argentina have even a harder time understanding what he is saying than people in America, Samuels returns to Jamaica to start training with the Jamaican National Team in hopes of qualifying for the 2012 Olympics.

July 30, 2012 – The Jamaican National Team, after qualifying, faces their first round opponent, the USA National Team. Dwight Howard, Chris Bosh, and surprising late addition Derrick Caracter take turns dunking on SamSam. Howard poses for a picture by flexing after a thunderous dunk causing Samuels to wet himself at half court. The French ball boy cleans it up.

August 1, 2012 – Samuels is bounced from the Olympics after going winless in pool play, but is allowed to stand in the same room with Usain Bolt as a consolation. He is not allowed to touch Bolt’s gold medals.

August 20, 2012 – Returning to Jamaica as a country wide hero, Samuels discovers the Charles Barkley diet and balloons to 300 lbs.

September 13, 2020 – After opening and running a very successful honeymoon resort on the beach, Samuels uses his basketball fame to run for Jamaican Prime Minister, but loses by a landslide to the first non-Jamaican born PM in the country's history, DeMarcus Cousins. Samuels inner circle releases a statement saying they expect Samuels to recover quickly and be back at work for his country in no time. Upon reading this, surprised Louisville fans exclaim, “It’s about time, he sure as hell never rebounded while he was here.”

All (poor attempts at) jokes aside, we would like to wish the best of luck to all Cintucky players headed to the NBA draft. The list includes (according to ESPN’s current Top 100): Demarcus Cousins (UK), Patrick Patterson (UK), John Wall (UK), Eric Bledsoe (UK), Daniel Orton (UK), Samardo Samuels (UL), Jordan Crawford (XU), and Lance Stephenson (UC)